Advice Columns

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Poubelle on Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:51 pm

I think the people who could be REALLY hurt by her broadcasting his arson far and wide are his kids (who may not even know, and may be young enough they not only don't know, but wouldn't fully understand).

And yeah, unless it's on his juvie record (doubtful, unless her mother was a teenager herself or ignoring age of consent laws), there's no way a school doing the kind of background checks they're supposed to do these days doesn't already know.

His defense also seems pretty plausible. I'm willing to believe a drug addict would burn down a home for the insurance money and not realize his girlfriend and her child were inside. Knowingly killing/trying to kill people WITH FIRE is a whole other level (that's way more violent and requires far more planning than just shooting or stabbing someone). I mean, I guess it's possible he's a totally successful psychopath who's just blending in well until something sets him off again--but wouldn't his past being revealed be the sort of thing that might set him off? I am venturing into bad TV movie territory here. "Addict who wanted the insurance money, but is now in recovery" seems more likely.


Last edited by Poubelle on Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  screamin on Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:58 pm

As I understood it, the original letter writer's wife was at the time a child and was present in the house that the man set on fire, along with her mother. She apparently escaped but the mother did not. The man was accused of murder of the mother and attempted murder of a child, but acquitted on the plea that he had not known anyone was in the house when he set it on fire. There was also mention of mental health issues, as well as drug addiction.

Yes, the wife is out for revenge, no doubt about it. But IMO that doesn't automatically mean that it would be wrong to expose the man. If the school board knows about this man's history and hired him anyway, it would do no harm to tell them about it, because they won't be hearing anything they don't already know. But if the man in some way DID conceal his history when getting hired, then it would do a lot of good to tell the school board about it, because IMO a man who would lie to that extent about such a significant history should probably not be a teacher of children anyway. So IMO there's no downside in talking to the school board about him - which is why I found Prudie's "leave the poor man alone" a bit simple-minded.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Binky on Wed Dec 24, 2014 3:11 pm

I have to side with Prudie. Even if the man did (unlikely) avoid a background check, it's not like he's teaching the students to be drug addicted arsonists. Blowing up the man's life actually only increases the chances of him returning to drug addiction and the kind of behaviors that killed her mother. I don't see how that helps the LW in any way.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  biakbiak on Wed Dec 24, 2014 3:46 pm

As I understood it, the original letter writer's wife was at the time a child and was present in the house that the man set on fire, along with her mother. She apparently escaped but the mother did not. The man was accused of murder of the mother and attempted murder of a child, but acquitted on the plea that he had not known anyone was in the house when he set it on fire. There was also mention of mental health issues, as well as drug addiction.

Ah, I read it as it was the letter writer's wife's boyfriend who killed her mother, hence my assuming he was a juvenile.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  VodouDoll on Wed Jul 22, 2015 7:23 pm

The Bad Advisor deserves some kind of medal for this answer. What a kind, thorough, informative, and supportive response.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  katesti on Wed Jul 22, 2015 10:40 pm

That was lovely and perfect. I hope the letter writer follows up.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  naughty zoot on Thu Jul 23, 2015 3:08 pm

Is it wrong that Gwyneth Paltrow was the first place my mind went with letter #2? I kind of want to cross-post this in Guess Who Don't Sue.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Poubelle on Fri Jul 24, 2015 1:44 am

The diaper letter confused me. Out in public, where are you changing your baby other than a restroom? That's where the changing tables are, and the people old enough to use the toilets leave plenty of smells behind that aren't any better (if not worse!) than a baby's diapers. Like, at a coffee shop, I'm assuming the diaper still ending up in the coffee shop BATHROOM garbage, not by the milk and sugar station, unless the new mom is also so clueless and gross as to change her baby on a regular table or at the milk and sugar station. (I can't imagine employees letting that slide.)

I see how the faux pas at friends' homes could have happened, but in public? What, is she carrying the used diaper from the bathroom to a garbage outside the bathroom?

I don't have kids, so maybe I'm missing something here.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  BrightEyes on Fri Jul 24, 2015 9:18 am

Poubelle wrote:Like, at a coffee shop, I'm assuming the diaper still ending up in the coffee shop BATHROOM garbage, not by the milk and sugar station, unless the new mom is also so clueless and gross as to change her baby on a regular table or at the milk and sugar station. (I can't imagine employees letting that slide.)

Ah, Poubelle. My sweet summer child. Most parents are lovely and considerate. Some are not and will change their child on a restaurant table, or on public transportation, or somewhere else inappropriate and I've never seen anyone "official" reprimand them.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  inversed on Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:03 am

When I worked at Walgreen's, I came across someone changing her baby on a temporarily-empty display stand. We had a public restroom available for use! I was 17 so I had no idea what to say and I just pretended I didn't notice. That being said, I throw away wet (no poop) nappies in whatever trash can is available because they don't smell. Of course, 99% of the time I'm in a bathroom so it's not a big deal.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Poubelle on Sat Jul 25, 2015 12:54 pm

DANG.

I'm glad the public places I frequent are not frequented by parents who apparently never heard about germs.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  VodouDoll on Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:20 am

Dear Abby's LW2 wants to know, "How dare my husband remember his deceased wife and father with love and fondness?"

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  slmader on Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:05 am

Sounds like my father's second wife.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  bookworm on Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:18 am

The husband should get a tattoo of their wedding date.

She's totally wrong in insisting he get it removed.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Algae on Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:46 pm

The father died at the wedding reception? Wow. That must have been awful.
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Raised by wolves on Tue Jul 28, 2015 4:28 am

WTF is wrong with that woman? Anyone over 30 in new relationship should understand that their partner probably has a past. Competing with it is childish and stupid. Plus, it's not like he's going to love the new wife more than the first one or forget about his dead wife/father if the tattoo is gone.

The husband should get a tattoo of their wedding date.
That would be a nice idea.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Author By Night on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:02 pm

Bride to be won't invite sister-in-law to wedding

Interesting. I have mixed feelings on this one, and would really like to know both sides, and just HOW foul the sister-in-law is. I do think this was the wrong response, though. It's put her brother in an awful situation, for one thing. And I wonder if there's any chance the bride to be doesn't have her own flaws that might be the real reason her sister seems cold. Even if she really is just a bad person who kind of deserved the snub, though, you really can't do that. IMHO anyway.



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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Coneycat on Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:37 am

Author By Night wrote:Bride to be won't invite sister-in-law to wedding

Interesting. I have mixed feelings on this one, and would really like to know both sides, and just HOW foul the sister-in-law is. I do think this was the wrong response, though. It's put her brother in an awful situation, for one thing. And I wonder if there's any chance the bride to be doesn't have her own flaws that might be the real reason her sister seems cold. Even if she really is just a bad person who kind of deserved the snub, though, you really can't do that. IMHO anyway.

While it's certainly possible the SIL is a terrible person/just hates letter-writer, if she's having "just a small family ceremony"-- well, she's family. I think the wedding should have been "just a few very close friends," so she could include family members who are also their close friends and their very dearest "close supportive people," and have an out for not including family members who don't like them and make them feel miserable.

Honestly, on the face of it, "I tried to befriend you, but you just don't like me so I'd rather not invite you to my wedding" doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me, but if she's the only member of the family being excluded, that's going to lead to hard feelings. Although, of course, possibly no more than already exist.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Author By Night on Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:37 am

Abby's response to the second letter waspretty screwed up

Seriously, what was she thinking? Does she realize how much harassment female wait staff have to put up with? Is she naive enough to honestly believe they're being nice? These men aren't just trying to be friendly. They know the waitress has to put up with it. I can buy that maybe one or two of these guys didn't realize what they were doing, but the rest of them know perfectly well that they're harassing her.

The only thing is that apparently Jeanne Phillips (the current Abby) was born in 1942, so I guess she IS from a "different generation," but still.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Coneycat on Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:56 am

Among other things, it's pretty difficult to "stand out of reach" when you're trying to put a plate of food in front of a customer. I agree that was a stupid answer, but now I'm trying to think of what the poor woman could actually do in this situation, since this type of older man would almost certainly get all butthurt if she stepped back and said "I'm uncomfortable with this."

An additional problem is this: I've been eating in restaurants for many years and have never ever witnessed a customer trying to randomly hug a waitress, which suggests either her area or her specific workplace encourages this kind of thing. In which case, she's always going to be told she's the one with the problem and no sense of humour. I'm getting anxious and frustrated just thinking about it!

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  BrightEyes on Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:59 pm

I was a wedding waitress for 2 1/2 years and drunk, old guys are GROSS. News of the century, I know, but we would have guys trying to get us to drink, pull us toward the dance floor, sit down and "chat", and generally entertain them when we were trying to wait on them. Ugh. Poor girl.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  mayram on Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:20 pm

Author By Night wrote:Abby's response to the second letter waspretty screwed up

Seriously, what was she thinking? Does she realize how much harassment female wait staff have to put up with? Is she naive enough to honestly believe they're being nice? These men aren't just trying to be friendly. They know the waitress has to put up with it. I can buy that maybe one or two of these guys didn't realize what they were doing, but the rest of them know perfectly well that they're harassing her.

The only thing is that apparently Jeanne Phillips (the current Abby) was born in 1942, so I guess she IS from a "different generation," but still.

Ugh, that was an awful answer. (Though to coneycat's point, I don't know what kind of answer there is, outside of "get a different job.") But "keep a sense of humor"??? No.

Also, the LW specifically mentions that there are wives and girlfriends sitting right there while these guys hit on the waitress, so that right there negates the "being nice."

I waitressed in college and people can be appalling (women too) toward wait staff. I remember having older women talk openly about me to their sons as a potential girlfriend despite the fact that a) I didn't know these people b) was not interested c) had my own boyfriend and my own life outside of the restaurant, which seemed to not occur to people and d) I am not a menu item, lady.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Bad Username on Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:26 pm

Dear Prudence has a great response to a couple who are offended - as in, considering not speaking to them again - that their sister/in-law and her husband gave their baby a name very similar to their own child.

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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Unlucky Bear on Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:39 pm

INSANE! Totally insane. I just... do these people even hear themselves?! And have they never encountered a large Irish Catholic family like mine where every other woman is Kathleen or Margaret and all the men are John or Bill?
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Re: Advice Columns

Post  Lily Rose on Fri Oct 09, 2015 8:36 am

It doesn't even sound like it's an unusual name! Like...if they named their kid Dackotaah and the new parents named their kid Dakotaah, that might be something to be mildly annoyed by. But they used the run of the mill name "Alex" in the letter, so it sounds like it's probably something that MILLIONS of people have named their kid.

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Re: Advice Columns

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