Celebrities in Your Dreams

Okay, this is a bit embarassing: I had a dream about Patrick Dempsey (?!) that involved stuff happening in an airplane bathroom. I am an occasional hoor in my dreams.

I had an incredibly disturbing dream night before last. I was dreaming that I was at a Margaret Cho show and it was all fun and hilarious, when I was suddenly half woken up by someone watching TV. It was one of those situations where I was kind of awake long enough to register what the noise I was hearing was (in this case, it was some kind of movie where there was gun fire and screaming), then I went right back to sleep and picked up my dream where I'd left off. Only now, I incorporated the sound into my dream. So there I was in Margaret Cho's audience when she whips out a gun and shoots her mother in the face right there on stage! So everyone starts screaming and running out of the theater and I'm just standing there going "What the fuck, Margaret?! What the fuck?!?" She tells me that her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and didn't want to live, so she thought she'd just incorporate her mother's death into the show. And she didn't understand why people were so freaked out, because her mother was free now.

So fucked up!

I had a dream last night that I was flirting with John Stamos. He was signing things "Ron Swanson" and I was like "come on! You are no Ron Swanson!" And then we were laughing and chatting and he was all like 'I am sooo Ron Swanson" and on and on it went.

I think this actually reveals my love of Ron Swanson more than a love of John Stamos! Sorry, Stamos.

Last night I had a dream that Jon Hamm broke up with his girlfriend and started dating my mother. What the hell, subconscious? I dream that my mother gets to have sex with Jon Hamm but not me? In the dream my mother was keeping a chart of all their...encounters, and rating them, so I know he was very good.

I don't even find him that attractive, it's just weird that my subconscious is so warped that my mother gets dream sex and not me.

I haven't even watched the last two seasons of True Blood, but I had this terrifying nightmare the other night that Alexander Skarsgard was this awful stalker who followed me around parking lots and then came to my house with an ax. I don't even know.

I never have sex dreams about celebs, Bad Username. Instead I tend to picture hot celebs sleeping with one another. Is that totally weird? More on-topic though, I always think up super random scenarios with celebs when I dream about them at all, which is rare. I once had a very vivid dream of meeting Hugh Jackman outside a movie theater on Christmas, and he was completely sweet and friendly and awesome. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up and realized I'd never met him and probably never will.

I don't think it's so weird to dream about hot celebs sleeping with one another, it's pretty much what we see in movies and TV, it makes sense that our brains would reproduce it in our sleep.

Speaking of dreaming of meeting celebrities, I once dreamt that I met Sarah Michelle Gellar. I told her how much I loved Buffy, and she just rolled her eyes and went 'ugh'. I was devastated.

I'm extremely disturbed that I had a dream about Bruno Mars. Whom I hate. He seemed to be a sexually threatening character, which is weird, given how sexless I find him in real life. However, the rest of the dream had a rather sinister atmosphere. Planes crashing and all that. I should be seeing a therapist, shouldn't I?

Last night I dreamed I was in a cake decorating contest, and Joe Mantegna (David Rossi from Criminal Minds) was on my team. My sister had my cutting board under her feet, and we were in the kitchen of the house I grew up in. I can't remember which part of the cake Joe worked on, but I do remember it looked awesome. I don't remember who won the contest. My alarm went off and woke me up.

Obviously I am watching way too much Criminal Minds before bed.

Right before I woke up this morning I dreamt I was a survivor in a post-apocalyptic America (I'm not clear on what caused it - i just finished reading The Stand a few days ago, so between that and The Walking Dead it could have easily been Captain Trips, zombies, or both). In this dream we were in the stage of rebuilding society so things like electricity and television were just coming back on. Pat Sajak survived, so he was hosting a modified version of Wheel of Fortune where you didn't win cash or cars but pieces of land to restart agriculture. I was watching a lady lose her shit over winning a pepper farm in the bonus round when my brother and his girlfriend walk in with Jesse Eisenberg. My brother's girlfriend used to be a hair stylist, a role she was reprising in this new world, and Jesse showed up because he heard that she knew how to give white people cornrows and he wanted some. She gave him his cornrows, naturally, which were hilarious, naturally, and the whole time I kept asking him WHY as politely as I could muster. He never gave me a straight answer.

The very notion of Jesse Eisenberg with cornrows is brilliant beyond all comprehension, Evil Lincoln.

Last night, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. died of liver cancer. I was crushed.

The other night I dreamed that Alan Davies was fired from QI. I was also crushed.

Last night I had a dream where I was good friends with JunJun (formerly of Morning Musume) and I went to visit her at her home in China. I could also speak and understand Chinese, although the "Chinese" sounded suspiciously like English. Anyway, we were trying to find a restaurant someone had recommended to her and accidentally got caught up in some insanely complicated murder and spying intrigue when we happened to walk in on some Russian dude killing a Chinese dude (who was also possibly British or working for the British, that part wasn't very clear), which JunJun called "some Cold War hangover bullshit." We had to go on the run together and at one point Rutger Hauer saved our lives when we had to jump off of an oil tanker in the middle of the ocean and he came zooming in with a little speed boat and hauled us aboard and took us to Kuala Lumpur.


I don't even know what the hell that was all about.

I was working in an office and Adrian Grenier was my assistant, except that most of his assisting was in the form of nibbling my neck which was kind of distracting while I was trying to work. Eventually he went away to do some actual work and then Harrison Ford came and took me book shopping. All in all, rather a delightful dream.

I had a dream I had a threesome with Sasha Grey and the guy with the dreadlocks on TMZ. I barely even know who Sasha Grey is!

I dreamed that I was watching the new Avengers movie, and was super excited for Thor's first appearance. But in this version of the movie, Thor was played by Joey Slotnick.

I dreamt that I had seduced, and was about to sleep with, Hamish Linklater. It was a surprisingly nice dream. Unfortunately I woke up before the good stuff happened.

I loved him on The New Adventures of Old Christine. Not a bad-looking fella, that Hamish!

He was very charming in my subconscious.

Had a very out of the blue dream in which I was friends with Armie Hammer, and he and I were hacking the real Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook profile.

I know there was more to it, like an actual plot, but all I can remember of last night's dream was standing in line and cupping the delightfully firm and rounded buttocks of Robert Carlyle. I may need to lay off the "Once Upon a Time" viewings.

Was the line for the buttock cupping or was he just in line with you?

Ooh, better than a kissing booth! Details are sketchy but I believe we were just standing in line together.I am very forward in my dreams.

So, I had a dream that guest starred Nathan Fillion.

We were in the Midwest and then teleported to NYC after we were attacked by people with guns.

I have no idea HOW we teleported to NYC... we just did.

In NYC, we danced to Lady Gaga's Born This Way.

And... I woke up.

My subconscious confuses me sometimes.