Crystal Futures

Hey, guys! I kind of went on a retreat a while back, and it really changed my life. So I've written a book about it--Crystal Futures: The Healing Tenets of Snarkeology. It'll change your life! It'll change so many lives! So if you'll just PM me your mailing address, you can buy it directly from me, a hundred books at a time, and then sell it yourself! (In order to meet your sales quota, you'll probably need friends and family to sell it as well.) You'll also have to pay the shipping and handling to get your first crate of books, but I'll throw in a free hand cart for selling on street corners. (You will also have to pay shipping for the hand cart.) Each book comes with a free crystal, though!



TELL IT ALL OF YOUR SECRETS

All of the mods recently read this book (after contributing generously to the Snarkeology fund, naturally!!) and I, for one, can say it has truly changed my life.  The healing properties of the crystals are already cleansing the negativity out of my life and I have started just sharing the word of how amazing Snarkeology has made everything for me!  The pulsing vibrations of the crystals are just so calming.

Wait, does anyone else's crystal pulse?  ...and whisper?

I am really looking forward to reading this! I have been feeling overburdened by secrets, so it seems like just the thing. Promise you won't use all the secrets I tell the book against me!

Of course! It's completely (cough) confidential.

None of the crystals feed their energy into a quartz pyramid I keep on my nightstand. I don't know why you would think that, that's not even feasible.

You guys gotta get a crystal pyramid, by the way. They're great for imprisoning soul boggarts.

The stress of grad school is wearing on me, and I have a sneaking suspicion that a crystal pyramid would help purge all that pressure and negativity. I'm actually planning to order in bulk so I can put one in every corner of my house. And every classroom and professor's office on campus.

I'm getting new quartz countertops next week. Will they clash with the crystals?

I think they will resonate with them. - Your Minister of Snark Technology.

My husband is already out selling, but I had a quick question before I send my almost 3-year-old out. You don't require us to follow United States laws of child labor, right?

I hope not cuz I'm reading the seller's training manual to my pregnant sister's stomach in preparation for having my niece or nephew hawking crystals 6 weeks after the birth.

Does the fetus need a FREE Snark meter evaluation?

Yes, indeed! I'm so glad that you asked.

Hello,

I'm an International Snarker and I'm not sure this offer is any good to me, what with US spelling and everything. How would such a book fit into my life and is it okay if I tell it made up secrets? Because sometimes I like to make things up and pretend that I'm the High Queen of Ireland.

Also do you think there would be a conflict seeing as how I already follow the ideals of the Lord Baden Powell and his wife, Olave the Great and Mighty? I'm a great believer in their message even though there are no crystals, but plenty of s'mores, which is always fun.

I'm of the mind that s'mores make everything better, but I don't understand how anyone can support a message that doesn't somehow incorporate the healing essence if crystals. It's very suspect to me.

QueenSix wrote:Hello,

I'm an International Snarker and I'm not sure this offer is any good to me, what with US spelling and everything. How would such a book fit into my life and is it okay if I tell it made up secrets? Because sometimes I like to make things up and pretend that I'm the High Queen of Ireland.

Also do you think there would be a conflict seeing as how I already follow the ideals of the Lord Baden Powell and his wife, Olave the Great and Mighty? I'm a great believer in their message even though there are no crystals, but plenty of s'mores, which is always fun.

Hey man,

I don't know much about the secrets, I mean I don't have anything to hide, everyone knows how I feel about Richie Sambora right? But if you want to pretend you're like the Queen of Ireland, rock on!

But don't disrespect the Cleo! We've only one true Leader here, dude.

Okay, I'm feeling a little attacked right now, you guys. I just asked a couple of questions and suddenly I'm told I'm disrespecting someone. Which is way harsh. Those of us who follow Baden Powell would never. I'm just sayin'...

(And yes, I'm an Irish girl who talks like she's in the movie Clueless when she's upset. Deal with it already, bro).

Come to my bosom, Q6. I will love and accept you for who you are and how much money you make!

Crystals are a fraud.

Magnets, on the other hand, is where true healing begins.

Question: say someone can't afford the crystal lecture series, yet still wants to become a Crystal Clear. Will you accept payment in the form of work as yacht cocktail maker ship crew member? I know how very important it is for Leader to have her ship to spread the message. I have precisely three lifetimes to sign away and am an expert at tiny umbrella garnishing proselytizing through the power of mojitos crystals.

L. Ron Hubbard wrote:Come to my bosom, Q6.  I will love and accept you for who you are and how much money you make!

Yeah see, my work is mostly in the very non-profit sector so I don't make a lot of money. Would something like that be a hindrance to learning more about Crystal Clear? I ask because Robert Baden Powell never mentioned money in his book which he wrote back in 1910 which was earlier than yours so I'm thinking you're kinda like a new kid on the block? (Do you sing and dance in synchronised fashion with a group? Is that YOUR secret, L. Ron?)

QueenSix wrote:Okay, I'm feeling a little attacked right now, you guys. I just asked a couple of questions and suddenly I'm told I'm disrespecting someone. Which is way harsh. Those of us who follow Baden Powell would never. I'm just sayin'...

(And yes, I'm an Irish girl who talks like she's in the movie Clueless when she's upset. Deal with it already, bro).

Hey, peace! I wasn't attacking you at all. Let the crystals guide you.

Tico, but how can a crystal guide me? If I'm in the woods hiking or in unfamiliar terrain, I'm going to need a map and a compass or my trusty innate sense of direction. Do you mean internal guidance? Because I just don't see how a crystal can do that...

(PS: what's it like being drummer for Bon Jovi? He's the best! What kind of hair conditioner does he use?)

I have tea often on the Astral Plane with Juliette Gordon Low.

L. Ron Hubbard wrote:I have tea often on the Astral Plane with Juliette Gordon Low.

Oooh, tell her I said Hi and that I love her work!!

QueenSix wrote:Tico, but how can a crystal guide me? If I'm in the woods hiking or in unfamiliar terrain, I'm going to need a map and a compass or my trusty innate sense of direction. Do you mean internal guidance? Because I just don't see how a crystal can do that...

(PS: what's it like being drummer for Bon Jovi? He's the best! What kind of hair conditioner does he use?)

Have you made a donation yet? You will learn this at about Level II.

It's great! I mean, everything's always better with Snarkeology, but Jon is great. I'm not allowed to tell you what conditioner he uses. Mine is Herbal Essences.