Advice Columns

I figure, I clean your poop, I can call you whatever I want.

So the entire time that I've affectionately been calling Rocky "Dum-dum", I've been abusing him? I'll be turning myself in to the ASPCA now.

WTF is the response to this first letter. You'd think Dan Savage, being gay himself, would have some understanding of why a cis man who's only attracted to cis women would be perfectly correct to call himself straight and not queer. (How the hell does the term "queer heterosexual" even make a lick of sense?) It's great that the letter-writer is an ally and has been so supportive and involved, but that's not the same thing as actually being queer, and, y'know, facing the discrimination involved with that first hand. I am pretty sure a couple consisting of a cis man and cis woman is the sort of relationship that's perfectly accepted in just about every society ever. The polyamorous guy who's getting shit from his relatives for dating a married woman probably has a better hold on the word queer than the first letter-writer does (also, THAT guy's brother needs to get a grip. I think CPS has more important things to worry about, like, IDK, kids who are actually being abused or neglected).

The letter writer wants to know if he is discriminatory in not wanting a relationship with a transgendered person; and he is advised to stop identifying as straight? My head hurts.

Dan Savage is right about the second letter, though. It is about control. Those relatives don't give a damn about the children, they just want the letter writer out of the relationship because it might cause the family embarrassment.

Poubelle wrote:WTF is the response to this first letter. You'd think Dan Savage, being gay himself, would have some understanding of why a cis man who's only attracted to cis women would be perfectly correct to call himself straight and not queer. (How the hell does the term "queer heterosexual" even make a lick of sense?) It's great that the letter-writer is an ally and has been so supportive and involved, but that's not the same thing as actually being queer.

I don't get it, either. I thought being straight and nice to queer people just means being a decent person. I wonder if the lady in the article thinks that white students at historically black colleges and universities are of color, too. The letter writer is straight. He's not discriminatory, he's just not pansexual. Or maybe he is discriminatory, but I think you're allowed to be discriminatory when choosing sexual partners, on whatever criteria you want.

punkysdilemma wrote:What means this communicate?

I really don't understand how having a vasectomy could slip a man's mind. Especially since it's allegedly so traumatic! I do think a single person who does not plan on having (possibly more) children has almost a stigma attached to them in the dating world, sometimes, and I can see where it would be tempting to sort of fudge the truth there. But he had to know there was a possibility of it screwing him over completely.

The first letter here has me completely baffled. Your half sister was offended by something your grown child "supposedly" did to her, and stopped giving Christmas gifts. Okay. Possible reactions that spring to my mind? Bitching about her behind her back, asking your grown child what happened and trying to fix it, letting it go until your sister calms down. Reporting her for stealing office supplies never once popped into my head. Who does that? And she was stealing pens and post-it notes. Not exactly Xerox machines she was later selling on eBay.

And reporting someone to the IRS? Pure evil.

Sheli wrote:

punkysdilemma wrote:What means this communicate?

I really don't understand how having a vasectomy could slip a man's mind. Especially since it's allegedly so traumatic! I do think a single person who does not plan on having (possibly more) children has almost a stigma attached to them in the dating world, sometimes, and I can see where it would be tempting to sort of fudge the truth there. But he had to know there was a possibility of it screwing him over completely.

Yeah, I agree, but it also sounds like she never actually had a real conversation with him about it. She just stopped taking her birth control and then assumed things would work out. So I think they've both failed pretty spectacularly on this one.

Sheli wrote:
The first letter here has me completely baffled. Your half sister was offended by something your grown child "supposedly" did to her, and stopped giving Christmas gifts. Okay. Possible reactions that spring to my mind? Bitching about her behind her back, asking your grown child what happened and trying to fix it, letting it go until your sister calms down. Reporting her for stealing office supplies never once popped into my head. Who does that? And she was stealing pens and post-it notes. Not exactly Xerox machines she was later selling on eBay.

And reporting someone to the IRS? Pure evil.

Amy was WAY too easy on this crazy-pants. What a petty, vindictive brat!

I think they've both failed pretty spectacularly on this one.

Me too. I honestly don't know which one of them I dislike more. Frankly, I think they deserve each other.

I find Amy's second letter pretty ridiculous, too. So you took a 17/18 year old on a European trip where you all had a lot of fun together, alone, and you're shocked you haven't heard from him since he went back home for the summer to see his parents and his friends -- people he presumably hasn't spent quality time with in a while since he's been away at boarding school and then on a European vacation? And you're thinking of cutting off contact over this?

As awesome as my aunts and uncles are, and as much great stuff as they have bought me, I wouldn't really be thinking of them when I finally had the opportunity to spend time with the parents and friends I hadn't seen in a while before I went off again to college. I mean, yes, the kid should have sent a thank-you note, but I don't think he's the one coming across as the least mature person in this relationship.

and you're shocked you haven't heard from him since he went back home for the summer to see his parents and his friends -- people he presumably hasn't spent quality time with in a while since he's been away at boarding school and then on a European vacation?

Well given the letter states he is in school again, presumably months have passed and he didn't even acknowledge her birthday, I could see being hurt. So it seems more that they thought they had a very close relationship with him for several years and know because he doesn't need them for anything he doesn't acknowledge their existence.

The first lady is some crazy pants! I hope at least the office supplies were on a large scale thievery and there was some sort of investigation because otherwise that woman should look for a new job because if her employers just took crazypants word for it and it was some post-it notes, they are bordering as crazy as well.

Second letter from Prudie, the husband of the writer pees in the sink both at home at at others' homes. That is so not ok. Especially at other peoples' places!

I know! And Prudie's all "oh well, urine is sterile" as if this is not A TOTALLY DISGUSTING AND WEIRD THING TO DO.

it’s not really so different from the gender-neutral indulgence of peeing in the shower.

WHICH IS ALSO GROSS. GOD. Is Prudie married to George Costanza?

Shalamar wrote:

it’s not really so different from the gender-neutral indulgence of peeing in the shower.

WHICH IS ALSO GROSS. GOD. Is Prudie married to George Costanza?

I WAS GONNA SAY. Who the hell pees in the shower?

Yes! Peeing in the shower is gross too! Also, urine is only sterile in the bladder! Once it is on its way out anything could happen.

Lily Rose wrote:

Shalamar wrote:

it’s not really so different from the gender-neutral indulgence of peeing in the shower.

WHICH IS ALSO GROSS. GOD. Is Prudie married to George Costanza?

I WAS GONNA SAY. Who the hell pees in the shower?

Heh, Prudie apparently.

My boss is a hoooooooor

This sounds more like a spat in high school math class than a "major corporation."

Oh, people. Will I gross you all out if I confess that, occasionally, I have peed in the shower? I swear it's not a habit! It's just...look, I've been pregnant four times. Sometimes, it just wasn't worth it to haul my massive dripping wet self out, mid-shower, to use the toilet. Hell, sometime I didn't have time.

Now that I've probably disgusted everyone, let me quote that ever-awesome move, Steel Magnolias: "He's a real gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it."

Meh, I'm pretty indifferent about peeing in the shower. I almost always pee before I get in the shower (the time between hearing the water running and waiting for it to get warm enough is just too long!), but I don't get what the big deal is? I guess if you were to pee all over the walls or something, but doesn't it go right down the drain and then you've got several minutes of soap and water following it. A sink is different because nobody washes their hands for 10 straight minutes after peeing.

biakbiak wrote:Well given the letter states he is in school again, presumably months have passed and he didn't even acknowledge her birthday, I could see being hurt. So it seems more that they thought they had a very close relationship with him for several years and know because he doesn't need them for anything he doesn't acknowledge their existence.=

What makes them seem unreasonable to me is... a few things, actually. First, that they apparently thought they were closer to him than they were. Just because someone spends the weekends in your house for a few months, that does not make you their surrogate parents. Second, they don't understand that a kid would want to spend his last summer with his parents and friends, not people he's only known closely for a few months, and is now wrapped up in his first semester of college at a difficult school. Do they even know that he knows his aunt's birthday? Third, their response is so OTT. An eighteen year old was thoughtless and immature?! Excuse me while I go grab my pearls. That doesn't excuse his inaction, but he may very well have no idea that a thank you is the required response. If they're really that close, they should have the nephew's contact info. Instead of cutting off contact (WTF?) the more adult solution would be to mention something to his parents or to call/e-mail him directly and gently explain that sending a thank you note (or at least saying thank you) is proper no matter how well you know someone, and she was hurt when he forgot her birthday.

I'm also annoyed that this kid sounds like an idiot, and yet they sound like such OTT drama llamas that they have me actually trying to see things from his point of view. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much, but it really, really is.

Shalamar wrote:WHICH IS ALSO GROSS. GOD. Is Prudie married to George Costanza?

I bet she takes expensive coffee table books into the bathroom, too.

I think I spent too much time as a kid camping and hiking and whatever to be disturbed by peeing in the shower. I mean, half the time the bathroom was "over there" (vague hand wave towards trees). I don't step in it? It's good.

Peeing in the shower seems way less gross than peeing in the sink to me, for one reason: there is no way that your urine will accidentally splash on someone's toothbrush in the shower. (Unless, I suppose, you are also brushing your teeth in the shower, which I have actually done. It's very convenient!)