Re: Advice Columns

punkysdilemma Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:36 pm

Overdeveloped sense of shame du jour

I don't know how this woman handles going to the bathroom at his place. Or breathing.

biakbiak Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:42 pm

Should I be impressed that she managed to not fart in front of him for an entire year?

laurelin_kit Fri Jan 06, 2012 12:54 am

Actually I really want to congratulate her for waking herself up with her own farts. That's impressive.

particle_person Fri Jan 06, 2012 12:59 am

So put it behind you.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

**The Glen** Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:27 am

Today's Dear Abby

Since when was prostitution a life lesson? I don't care if the daughter is technically an adult (she's obviously not thinking like one), if she were mine, you can bet I'd interfere.

tothemax Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:15 pm

I don't think Abby is saying not to interfere, she's admitting there is no fool proof way to stop the daughter.

punkysdilemma Wed Jan 18, 2012 6:42 pm

When I asked her why, she said she doesn't want to work her butt off for peanuts

I don't think she said "peanuts." *ba dum bum*

inversed Wed Jan 25, 2012 11:32 am

My girlfriend kissed some guys before we dated and now she'll be in a wedding with them!!!11! Somebody get this guy some pearls to clutch.

punkysdilemma Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:30 pm

Let's all go shopping!

I can't figure out what planet Abby is on because this is *completely* asinine.

QueenSix Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:34 pm

Hmm, I think I'd be a little peeved if a kid that age was asking for money for her birthday. It seems a bit mercenary to me, which I completely understand - free money! - but at that age, you should be taught to be thankful for whatever you get or at least, learn to pretend to be. My idea of a good time has never been to watch other people spend loads of money while I'm standing there with considerably less and all I get for my trouble is a bloody drink while the birthday girl is shopping like crazy? Pardon my language, but Fuck That Noise! That doesn't seem like much of a birthday party at all.

I'd be telling my daughter not to be bothering about that one's birthday in the future.

Unlucky Bear Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:45 pm

I'm kind of confused by that letter. Did the mom give her daughter the $20 to give the birthday girl as a gift? Or did they not get her a gift and the mom assumed her daughter would be spending the money on herself.

Either way, that shopping party sounds totally lame. My two best friends growing up had way more money than we did, and any time their moms drove us to the mall, it always ended up being the mom buying their kid a bunch of clothes and the friend being a total snot about shopping with her mom while I stand around awkwardly because I can't afford to buy anything in whichever store we were at.

tothemax Thu Jan 26, 2012 8:30 pm

I think Abby is right that the sleepover was the party - the kid had to have eaten something between the time she went to the mall and came home the next day or else the writer would have mentioned it - but the entire shopping spree is hella tacky.

Morning Angel Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:32 am

I agree with the mom that you would think that going shopping together meant trying on stuff together and having fun. I don't know if the girl had brought a gift or not, which seems like it'd be expected for a party, or if she was expecting to buy something for her friend, which could be fun, but still, that sounds like one tacky way to begin a party. What a way to make just all about YOU!

Raised by wolves Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:18 am

What a clusterfuck! The shopping trip was totally tacky but I also think the LW did something tacky too. She states in the letter that the $20 was a gift for the birthday girl but then expected the b'day girl to spend the money on the partygoers. If you give someone a shirt for their birthday you don't wear it home, so in that sense the b-day girl was under no obligation to spend the money on her friends. Either the money was a gift OR the money was for the party expenses and the daughter should have shown up with a gift. Not that it excuses the b'day girl, but it does mean the LW wasn't exactly Miss Manners herself. It's a battle of the classless -- watch me spend money vs. here's your birthday gift, now spend it on me.

Also, I think it's important to recognize that the LW is getting this information from her 12 YO daughter, who was probably pretty jealous watching another tween get a bunch of money and spend it while not having any of her own to spend. The fact that they spent a couple hours watching the b'day girl shop is not great entertainment for her guests but there was a sleepover aspect to the party as well so yeah, there was probably lots of food and fun, but that part is glossed over in the letter. I bet you if LW's daughter had $5 to spend on herself at the mall this letter would never have been written.

Poubelle Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:33 am

I can sort of see "trip to the mall" as a fun tween birthday party, but not if it's "watch your friend shop for hours."

Pudie's suggestion here is way too nice (second letter):

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are happily married with two children. Over the years, my husband's sister and her husband have struggled with infertility. They finally asked if I would act as a surrogate. My husband and I did not take this lightly, but we decided to help them. Last year I gave birth to a lovely daughter. I lost the weight easily after my first two pregnancies but have been struggling after this one and am embarrassed about my slow progress. My sister-in-law has started making insensitive remarks about my body that would be rude in any circumstances but cut more deeply given that I gained this weight while pregnant with her daughter. At Thanksgiving, she said I’d need to work out extra hard to make up for what was on my plate. At a family birthday, she suggested I get only a small slice of cake. What, if anything, should I say to my sister-in-law when she makes these hurtful remarks? If she asked me to be a surrogate again, I’d refuse because of her attitude. But would that be selfish?

—Her Baby Made Me Fat

Dear Baby,
I have another magazine story that might give you some insights into what is going on. Alex Kuczynski described in the New York Times Magazine her infertility and decision to hire a surrogate, who bore her son. She expresses both the guilt and relief she felt at seeing someone else become a “lumpen pregnant woman” while Kuczynski drank bourbon and went to yoga class. But knowing that she couldn’t bear her own child also made her feel like a “dried-up crone with a uterus full of twigs.” Probably when your sister-in-law sees your post-pregnancy body it reminds her of your fecundity and her failure. But ultimately the reason for her behavior is irrelevant. She is an obnoxious ingrate. You made an enormous sacrifice to give her a precious gift. Whatever is roiling her psychologically, she should be enough of an adult to act with grace and infinite thankfulness toward you. In response to her jibes, you might be tempted to say, “You’re so lucky you’ve never had to try to take off pregnancy weight!” But not jousting with her is the better way to go. The next time she offends, pull her aside and say: “You may not be aware of this, but you make many cutting remarks about my weight. I don’t want to hear another. Thanks.” And if she has the nerve to ask you to carry another child for her, it will not be selfish for you to give her a simple, direct answer: “No”

—Prudie

Seriously, what kind of immature, entitled asshole do you have to be to make those kind of comments to someone who gained that weight from giving birth to your child? (I mean, on top of the kind of asshole you'd need to be to say shit like that in the first place.) Holy hell. If you can't deal with your issues without lashing out as others, then you should maybe think twice about being a parent. (I hope the SIL never, ever makes those kind of comments to her daughter.) If infertility is really making you feel that awful--seek therapy, don't take it out on your family. Especially not the family that gave up their body for nine months so you could have a kid at all. (Maybe next time ask someone you don't know personally and will be seeing repeatedly in the future to be your surrogate.)

I think it'd be fine to respond to such nasty comments with "Oh, you think working out is hard? Try being in labor." Or "Yeah, you know how difficult it is to lose the baby weight. Oh, that's right, you don't." Or maybe say "No, you need to work extra hard to make up for what's on my plate." And then dump Thanksgiving dinner on her head. Or there's the less fun high road, which is calling her out on her bratty behavior and directly stating that you carried her child and gave birth to it, and her unwelcome comments hurt extra-hard because of that.

For a lighter bit of ridiculousness, scroll down to the mom who's appalled that her son may eat hot dogs and hamburgers while on vacation.

Kiran Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:36 am

That is horrifying. I am just disgusted.

punzy Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:38 am

Yeah, I thought Prudie's advice, while sensible for family harmony, was lacking in the "bitch, please" area.

Also, the second lady's in-laws don't like such exotic foods as shrimp and garlic pasta!

Shalamar Fri Jan 27, 2012 1:19 pm

Man, that mother is a piece of work. "Oh nos, my son might eat hamburgers instead of this shrimp and garlic pasta I made!" Can't the kid eat both? Sounds like she has some issues.

Gilraen Fri Jan 27, 2012 1:44 pm

That first letter about the woman with the husband with a brain injury is heartbreaking, and I thought Prudie's response was pretty compassionate.

And yeah, shrimp garlic pasta lady's son is going to go nuts when he goes to college or otherwise moves out.

Decca Mon Jan 30, 2012 6:15 pm

Prudie's first answer is making me mad.

Both she and the woman writing the question are making quite a few assumptions. I mean, maybe they're right and the woman in question is making up a rape story to assuage her own guilt. But honestly? It's just as common (I'd say more common) for a rape victim to be in shock/denial immediately afterward, wanting to call it anything else, and only later coming to call an assault what it was. I don't know if that's what happened here. But Prudie and the writer don't know either, and they're both playing into slut-shaming narratives that I don't like.

However, if I had an advice column, half the responses would be 'DUMP HIM' and the other half would be 'JUST MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS' so what do I know.

VodouDoll Mon Jan 30, 2012 6:19 pm

The victim blaming in Prudie's answer made me really uncomfortable too. She seems to think that women won't get raped if they don't drink alcohol or talk to men they don't know.

Lily Rose Mon Jan 30, 2012 6:25 pm

Man, the later letter about the baby name "poaching" is straight up insane. The other couple wants them to CHANGE THEIR BABY'S NAME. Which has personal meaning, and is, you know, THE KID'S NAME ALREADY. And it isn't even that unusual a name!

The Lady of Shalott Mon Jan 30, 2012 7:09 pm

Those people must have balls made of absolute solid brass if they're going to think that someone's kid doesn't deserve to be called Mia, when it is the name of Dad's SISTER who DIED OF CANCER and INTRODUCED THE COUPLE.

Not that it would be reasonable to ask someone to change their kid's name, regardless, but that is just exceptionally stupid.

biakbiak Mon Jan 30, 2012 9:11 pm

Also, Mia was in the top 10 names for girls last year, so it's not even like it's some exceptionally rare name. Not that I would think they were in the wrong even if they freaking invented the name!

Unlucky Bear Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:05 pm

Dear Miss Manners: I'm the worst mother-in-law ever.

This has got to be a troll, right? Who yells at their DIL because the guest room walls are the wrong color and then gets offended when she bursts into tears?

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