Advice Columns

Fetishes galore at Dear Prudence today.

Any guesses what the first guy's kink is?

Anal or foot jobs are the two that I think most people might consider "common" fetishes.

I'm pretty sure BDSM in all its forms is the most common.

He said in the comments that it's feet. Poor guy. I feel bad for him not feeling like he can speak up.

That just makes me think of Dan Savage's rule "Dump the honest foot fetishist and you will find yourself married to the dishonest necrophiliac."

I think he should've told Prudie he was into feet. I kind of think kink shouldn't be relegated only to Savage Love, and should be mainstreamed a bit more, especially since Ask Amy got all pearl-clutchy that one time about someone liking porn. le sigh

punkysdilemma wrote:That just makes me think of Dan Savage's rule "Dump the honest foot fetishist and you will find yourself married to the dishonest necrophiliac."

I think he should've told Prudie he was into feet. I kind of think kink shouldn't be relegated only to Savage Love, and should be mainstreamed a bit more, especially since Ask Amy got all pearl-clutchy that one time about someone liking porn. le sigh

I would love to have married a foot fetish dude. Free pedicures for life.

(And is porn even considered a kink still? Or am I just too used to living in godless liberal hippieville?)

Dude, seriously? When I was 8 months pregnant I asked my husband if he'd paint my toenails because I couldn't reach them and he was like, "Uh, no, I'd really rather not." So I went to a pedi place and spent $15. Could've saved me a bunch of money.

Yeah as far as fetishes go, that one is pretty mild. And clearly he is not insisting on nothing but footsex. I think he should probably try to find a new girlfriend. Who won't mind a parade of new shoes.

I just went back and read the last couple of Prudence's chats, and man, she is the judgiest person ever. Between getting all sanctimonious about people's various kinks and being way too eager to write people off as terrible, she just rubs me the wrong way. Why have an advice column if all you want to do is condescend to people?

Prudie does kind of suck, but she gets the most crazypants letters around.

Her letters are pretty crazy, but so is her advice. She victim-blames all the time. And anyone who has more than one glass of wine ever is an alcoholic and should go to rehab.

And yet, she also thinks it's impossible to resist peeing in the shower. Kind of baffling.

Miss Moneypenny wrote:(And is porn even considered a kink still? Or am I just too used to living in godless liberal hippieville?)

Maybe not a kink per se, but there seems to be still quite a bit of horror for some people when they find out their partner watches porn (and then they write to Dear Abby about it).

I mean, sure, porn can be taken to extremes that damage relationships, and sure, there's porn out there that is not great about how it treats women, but there is still this mentality out there that sexual feelings are dirty and certainly no one *normal* watches porn. Makes me sad.

punkysdilemma wrote:

Miss Moneypenny wrote:(And is porn even considered a kink still? Or am I just too used to living in godless liberal hippieville?)

Maybe not a kink per se, but there seems to be still quite a bit of horror for some people when they find out their partner watches porn (and then they write to Dear Abby about it).

I mean, sure, porn can be taken to extremes that damage relationships, and sure, there's porn out there that is not great about how it treats women, but there is still this mentality out there that sexual feelings are dirty and certainly no one *normal* watches porn. Makes me sad.

Oh yeah, that is definitely a prevalent attitude in people seeking advice (IDK about the general population!) along with the idea that if you're in a relationship you should have zero desire to look at porn, check out other members of your partner's sex, or occasionally even talk to other people.

People can have very strict ideas of what a relationship should be, including, apparently, Prudie, whose attitude towards kink seems to be "It's fine as long as you recognize that all your partners will be totally grossed out by you."

Seriously. It would be nice for a mainstream columnist to be sex-positive in public. It can't be all Dan Savage's burden to bear.

Though I want to say Dear Margo has said reasonable things about sex before, maybe also Carolyn Hax.

I.. I don't understand how someone can be "disgusted" by a foot fetish or fetishist. That's a pretty strong word for something that seems so benign. Granted, I'm a very open-minded person, but I can think of a lot of fetishes that might provoke disgust in vanilla types. Keeping secrets about an amputee porn stash or a fondness for coprophilia? Sure, understandable. But feet? Unless it's the bug stomping flavor, I just don't get the horror.

All the porn hate from advice columnists baffles me, too. If a guy or gal is exclusively using porn for sexual gratification to the detriment of their relationship I get the need for counselling or whatever. I guess I never cared if my SO had a porn stash. I'm just not a threatened or jealous person, which maybe makes me weird. Hell, I found it hilarious that one of my boyfriends wrote an algorithm using MD5 hashes and other means to make sure he never saw the same porn twice.

I don't get the pearl-clutching over porn, either. I read "Annie's Mailbox" in the paper every day, and they are big on pushing counseling whenever a guy is caught looking at a nudie mag. I think a lot of women don't realize just how visual men are with sexual fantasies, and that if a guy has a stack of Playboys, it doesn't necessarily mean he has a problem or isn't interested in you anymore. Frustrating.

I think there are communities where anything other than procreative sex is 'kink', and if recreative sex is kinky, obviously porn and anything else is off the wall.

So I understand that porn is considered morally and/or religiously wrong for a lot of people, and I have no problem with that as long as both people in the relationship have agree to the same rules/values AND walk the walk. So if your dude or gal say they think porn is wrong but actually spend their free time looking at porn? Then the problem isn't the pornography but the lying.

That's what I wish more advice columnists would address.

That's it right there, Miss Moneypenny. And I wish people would talk about this stuff before they get into committed relationships with an eye towards a big engagement rock. I seriously think this sort of thing should be discussed right along with children, career plans, and money. Values should line up.

Many of these advice columnists seem to operate under the principal that there's one right way to behave when it comes to porn--just don't do it. Why not offer advice about, I don't know, communicating with your partner about acceptable levels and types of porn? I doubt I'd tell someone on the first date that I like to read M/M erotica and fanfic on my Porndle, but I would eventually mention it and ask them what they like to do.

But it all adds up to what you said, Miss M. Don't lie, don't hide. That should go for the porn watcher AND the one writing letters about sekrut porn stashes.

This is the strangest advice letter I've seen in a long time. The LW's married friend drank too much coffee and, because of the caffeine, he had no choice but to have sex with her.

VodouDoll wrote:This is the strangest advice letter I've seen in a long time. The LW's married friend drank too much coffee and, because of the caffeine, he had no choice but to have sex with her.

I...wha...the hell? I do not understand any part of that.

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the LW that she thinks stimulants act as magical seduction potions. And he's done this before? To her? I wasn't clear on that part.

But clearly the next time I want to seduce someone, I just need to drink too much coffee and then they will be morally required to help me with my carnal need. Right?

Let me get this straight: the guy drank coffee and it made him hanker for a bit of the 'come here I want you'? That's it, as of now I am launching a campaign to get all the coffee shops closed down and coffee declared illegal! Because it promotes promiscuity and carnal urges that have no place in the High Street! And they even sell the stuff in supermarkets. In front of children. CHILDREN!!!

Why is this not an election issue??!!

They're too busy trying to get Big Bird deported. Coffee and its inherent dangers will have to wait for another election.