Awful Christmas Movies

particle_person Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:33 am

(I'm titling it Awful Christmas Movies because I think that's more fun, but in the past this thread was just Christmas Movies. If it's decided later that the thread should be more general, we can just delete the first word and carry on.)

I was saying on Twitter, tonight I narrated to the female half of my family the plot of "One Magic Christmas" which is THE MOST DEPRESSING CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER. In case you are unfamiliar with this monstrosity, the wiki plot synopsis is here. It's as if A Series of Unfortunate Events were presented with a straight face and no wink-and-smile. EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENS! It's like a catalog of parental nightmares.

Genevieve: I mean yes it ends happily but holy christ. So fucking sad. Thinking about it is making me anxious. ...
And that whole scene with the car going into the river? OH FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

See?

The funniest most over-the-top scene is when...

Frustrated, [husband] Jack storms out of the house to go for a walk. [His wife] Ginny races after him to try to work things out. Ominously, all the Christmas lights begin turning off all around her, as to show that the last of the Christmas spirit has been drained from her.

SEE?

Eris Rising Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:51 am

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. You can watch the whole thing at that link. A Christmas tradition for me, and I'm thankful that Facebook allows me to share the pain with all of my friends every Christmas.

megageek Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:05 pm

Jingle All The Way is bad, bad, bad, and it's one of my family's favorite movies to watch at Christmas, but not for the reason you'd expect. My parents and my sister - they genuinely like it. They think it's hilarious. Meanwhile, I'm trying to sink into the couch cushions.

curryalley Wed Nov 30, 2011 4:57 pm

I feel bad for hating this but I can't stand A House Without A Christmas Tree. Becuase it's BORING. My grandfather makes us watch this every year and every year I find myself counting the minutes. If I want to watch a Christmas movie about a father and daughter whose grief makes them misunderstand each other, I'll watch Prancer. Which is a classic.

In terms of so-bad-it's-good Christmas movies, I have to throw in behind the Keanu Reeves/Drew Barrymore cracky goodness of Babes in Toyland. Totally the reason I know how to spell Cinncinnati correctly.

Shalamar Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:00 pm

This one doesn't count as "awful" in my book - Beauty and the Beast and the Enchanted Christmas. As a direct-to-video sequel (or prequel, or whatever you want to call it), it was pretty decent. Tim Curry as the evil organ (yeah, you read that right) was a special delight.

(Plus, I might have been listening to the soundtrack on my iPod and tearing up at the "Stories" song.)

Menshevixen Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:30 pm

I really dislike It's A Wonderful Life. Bah, humbug.

**stephentrendy** Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:10 pm

Shalamar wrote:This one doesn't count as "awful" in my book - Beauty and the Beast and the Enchanted Christmas. As a direct-to-video sequel (or prequel, or whatever you want to call it), it was pretty decent. Tim Curry as the evil organ (yeah, you read that right) was a special delight.

(Plus, I might have been listening to the soundtrack on my iPod and tearing up at the "Stories" song.)

You know, I wanted to hate that one because I abhor direct-to-video sequels, but it was actually worth watching if you like Beauty and the Beast a lot. It's not exactly a classic though.

Luthien Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:16 pm

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas is about the best of the very bad lot of Disney sequels (the only other one that's passable is Aladdin and the King of Thieves). I'm very fond of the "Stories" song, and admit to being cheaply amused by the stereotypical Jewish axe running the castle fireplaces when Belle comes to get the Yule log. And I use Lumiere's line about custard all the time: re: Christmas pudding: "what do you think we are, barbarians? Of course with custard!"

For awful Christmas movies, the Santa Clause sequels rank up there with the worst for me. I love the original Santa Clause; I watch it every Christmas. But the sequels suck, suck, suck. There's one good scene in the second one when Scott conjures up everyone's favourite childhood toy at the teachers' Christmas party, but that's it. And I have never made it all the way through the 3rd one. I've tried twice when it's been on TV, and it's just so boring and ridiculous.

mokey75 Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:47 am

Menshevixen wrote:I really dislike It's A Wonderful Life. Bah, humbug.

Me too! It's sooo boring. I don't think I've ever sat through the whole thing all at once, but I've definitely seen it all. And meh.

I also hate every version/take-off of A Christmas Carol ever, except Scrooged. (I suspect I wouldn't hate the Muppet one, but I've never seen it.)

Shalamar Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:09 pm

"what do you think we are, barbarians? Of course with custard!"

Heh. I use that one a lot myself.

I confess to a certain affection for It's a Wonderful Life, but it does get draggy in places. It could've stood being about 30 minutes shorter. For starters, they could've cut the "I can't tell you, George! It's too awful! She's ... AN OLD MAID!" exchange.

NewYorkStranger Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:15 pm

Shalamar wrote:I confess to a certain affection for It's a Wonderful Life, but it does get draggy in places. It could've stood being about 30 minutes shorter. For starters, they could've cut the "I can't tell you, George! It's too awful! She's ... AN OLD MAID!" exchange.

Not only an old maid, but A LIBRARIAN! The horror!

I kind of love It's a Wonderful Life mostly because it's a holiday tradition in my family to watch it every year and snark on it.

Menshevixen Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:53 pm

Yeah, the part where if George hadn't married her, Mary would've been destined to be a spinster librarian irks me (as a librarian). The whole movie I find creepy and irritating.

Now, Die Hard. That's a great Christmas film.

big chicken Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:40 pm

I LOVE the Jaclyn Smith classic The Night They Saved Christmas. I watch it whenever it shows up on TV.

My favorite Christmas movie is the original Miracle on 34th Street. I remember when I first saw it I was so excited that Fred managed to legally prove Kris Kringle was Santa Claus.

I haven't seen it because the concept irks me so much, but I'm gonig to nominate that movie where the couple decides not to decorate their house for Christmas and then their names and family try to bully them into decorating. I think it's called Skipping Christmas. If any of my family or especially the neighbors tried to pull that on me, I'd tell them they're free to decorate my house as long as they do it and pay for the light bill. Also, some of us just don't really care all that much about Christmas decorations.

Miss Moneypenny Thu Dec 01, 2011 3:37 pm

mokey75 wrote:
Menshevixen wrote:I really dislike It's A Wonderful Life. Bah, humbug.
Me too! It's sooo boring. I don't think I've ever sat through the whole thing all at once, but I've definitely seen it all. And meh.

My people! I HATE that movie, but Mr. Moneypenny loves it, so we have to watch it every year. Ugh.

Eris Rising Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:32 pm

Menshevixen wrote:I really dislike It's A Wonderful Life. Bah, humbug.

Potterville always seemed a more interesting place to live.

Kiran Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:35 pm

I LOVE Its a Wonderful Life. I have so so so much affection for it so I will be the odd one out. My favorite non Die Hard Christmas movie is The Ref though.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with this Christmas movie called All I want for Christmas about two kids (including Thora Birch) who along with their grandmother (Lauren Bacall) plot to get their parents back together. I re-watched it. Its horrible. And kind of creepy.

Shalamar Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:05 pm

Potterville always seemed a more interesting place to live.

I know! They had speakeasies and fancy women!

One of my favorite parts of It's a Wonderful Life was in Nick's bar during the alternate timeline. Nick turned into a real jackass. "Okay, that's it! You two pixies out the door, or out the windah!"

Oh, hey, remember when that Italian family bought the house, and Mary presented them with a loaf of bread and said "So that your family will never know hunger" in that really hoity-toity, lady-of-the-manor way? I just wanted to slap her.

Kiran Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:09 pm

You know the one aspect of that movie I did hate? His kids. Zuzu was a brat and they needed to lay off George.

Francie Nolan Thu Dec 01, 2011 8:34 pm

Kiran wrote:I LOVE Its a Wonderful Life. I have so so so much affection for it so I will be the odd one out.

I'll join you! It's pretty much my favorite movie ever, mostly because it's super depressing until the last 20 minutes. And I kind of love that Potter never gets his comeuppance, which was pretty edgy for the time. Unless you count that one SNL sketch.

I do always roll my eyes at the Martinis' trip to Bailey Park. An endless amount of children, a nanny goat in the car, and Martini singing "O Sole Mio"--the trifecta of Italian stereotypes! Way to go, Capra.

BreezyK Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:09 pm

Kiran wrote: When I was a kid I was obsessed with this Christmas movie called All I want for Christmas about two kids (including Thora Birch) who along with their grandmother (Lauren Bacall) plot to get their parents back together. I re-watched it. Its horrible. And kind of creepy.

The other kid is Ethan Embry from Empire Records! And it IS a super cheesy movie. Speaking of creepy, Lauren Bacall and Thora Birch sing the duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside." (And I too was obsessed with this movie, obviously)

jcpdiesel21 Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:54 pm

curryalley wrote:In terms of so-bad-it's-good Christmas movies, I have to throw in behind the Keanu Reeves/Drew Barrymore cracky goodness of Babes in Toyland. Totally the reason I know how to spell Cinncinnati correctly.

I am SO ANGRY that Netflix does not carry this movie. I have wanted to see it ever since I saw the cover at my local grocery store a few years ago.

Kiran Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:05 pm

Wasn't Vinessa Shaw Embry's love interest too?

I FINALLY recorded that version of Babes in Toyland off of the tv. I cherish it.

Eris Rising Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:09 pm

jcpdiesel21 wrote:
curryalley wrote:In terms of so-bad-it's-good Christmas movies, I have to throw in behind the Keanu Reeves/Drew Barrymore cracky goodness of Babes in Toyland. Totally the reason I know how to spell Cinncinnati correctly.
I am SO ANGRY that Netflix does not carry this movie. I have wanted to see it ever since I saw the cover at my local grocery store a few years ago.

Merry Christmas.

Raksha Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:04 am

Rifftrax has riffed a movie called Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny that I think is going to become a yearly tradition around here. It's...well, there are no words to describe this. It may even be weirder than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I'll just leave you with this link to their preview sample. It has to be seen to be believed.

jcpdiesel21 Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:36 am

Eris Rising wrote:
jcpdiesel21 wrote:
curryalley wrote:In terms of so-bad-it's-good Christmas movies, I have to throw in behind the Keanu Reeves/Drew Barrymore cracky goodness of Babes in Toyland. Totally the reason I know how to spell Cinncinnati correctly.
I am SO ANGRY that Netflix does not carry this movie. I have wanted to see it ever since I saw the cover at my local grocery store a few years ago.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks, you just made my day!

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