Advice Columns

ActonBell wrote:Also, the always getting into altercations at parties seemed immature and rather sketchy? I can't imagine someone making a statement at *every* public gathering she's at that has to be challenged or argued over. The LW seems to be the constant in terms of conflict here. There were just a lot of red flags in the letter, she seems like she needs a lot of therapy.

The fact that she has an altercation at every party was the biggest red flag for me. It's possible part of her anxiety disorder is about becoming unnecessarily aggressive and controlling in social situations in order to manage dealing with all the people. That's just going to alienate people, and I find it hard to believe that there are genocidal assholes at every party she's invited to. It sounds like she doesn't know how to manage relationships, from abandoning her friends and not understanding that won't continue the friendship, to not being able to avoid a fight with a friend's neighbor, to thinking it's okay to have a boyfriend who won't have sex with you ever. I hope she gets therapy help and ditches the boyfriend, because he is totally boning WOW girl.

I hope the second Dear Abby letter, Sad Grandma, is fake. I so, so hope. It seems kind of confusing: she abandoned her seven year old child at her new husband's request, but she signs the letter as a grandma, not as a mother? I wonder what got edited out. But, anyway, I hope it's fake. If not, the LW is insane.

The LW refers to her husband as being a grandfather (his own children are adults and live far away), but he has no contact with his children/grandchildren either. LW mentions wanting to be a grandmother also, so I think she claims to want to be a part of his grandchildren's lives also.

Still messed up though. I don't blame him completely though if she willingly gave up legal rights to her son.

Oh, that second letter. Between:

He knew I had kids when we were dating, but both of them lived with relatives at the time because of custody issues.

and:

Three years ago he made me choose between him and my then 7-year-old son. I haven't spoken to or seen my son for three years.

I sort of hope that this woman steers clear of her children. I have no idea what the circumstances are behind the custody thing, but if a court thinks the children are better off not living with either biological parent, there has to be something there. Then for her to marry someone without making it absolutely clear to him that she and the kids are a package deal is bad parenting on her part, because she's not putting her kids' interests on par with hers. And then to walk away from her kids per her husband's request? And to not speak to them for three years? Not even a phone call on the sly? She only mentions the one she cut out of her life when he was seven, but she also cut out an 11 year old boy.

Abby dropped the ball with this:

If you want to be a part of your children's and grandchildren's lives, you will have to do so without his blessing or participation. You will also have to strengthen your backbone and emancipate yourself.

Because she did not add, "You will also have to beg forgiveness for abandoning your children, and accept that the damage you did is lifelong."

I sincerely hope this is a fake letter, because the thought of two kids out there who were abandoned by their mom for some douchewad who hates his own kids? And now facing the prospect of her flitting back in all, "I'm sad! FIX THE HOLE IN ME!" ... ugh.

Right? What kind of awful person, when faced with a a guy saying, "Cut off all contact with your seven year old kid," would go, "Oh, okay," and DO IT? And then years later write to Dear Abby of all people saying, "That made me sad. Am I a bad mom?" Gee, do you think?

I loved this question to Captain Awkward, but some of the comments complaining about how "judgmental" Captain Awkward and/or other commenters were was plain ridiculous. I'm sorry, the LW took glee in how wonderful she was at fooling and manipulating other people, and how most people were irrelevant to her. That's juicebox behavior, and she had to expect to be called out for it. I wonder if a serial killer writing in would get people defending them and complain about "murder shaming" if anyone dared criticize their behavior.

I've noticed too that CA's commenters often seem to believe that everyone deserves to have every single thing they do, feel, and think 100% validated and respected by everyone they know at all times. Anyone who doesn't praise and validate every aspect of the LW's existence or dares to criticize is whatever-shaming.

Ha, I am not much for advice columns but I think I'm in love with Captain Awkward, and his whole response to this person. Although I actually do think a lot of people are exactly like her, and rather than seeing it as a flaw see it purely in terms of them having special strength to survive the rest of us don't with our need to emote. And in that spirit of feeling empathy I even empathize with her need to NOT emote, and that maybe this guy does need to accept that his best friends future ex-wife is a scary robot.

I think CA's response was right on the money, especially since I don't think there was a question in there, unless it was "my fiance's roommate got his feelings on me after I did something that provoked it, why is this permissible?" None of the comments were particularly mean and they were all in language that the lw seemed more likely to understand given her hostility to polite human relations.

I also highly suspect that LW isn't nearly as skillful and manipulative as she thinks she is and that plenty of people think of her as a some kind of fakety fake (likely including the roommate). If she were that good, she wouldn't be so baffled by the roommate's completely normal response OR be unable to recognize that empathy is required in personal AND professional situations. She's not as good as she thinks she is.

I had never read any of Captain Awkward before, but I'm enjoying the past columns. Thanks for the link! That woman definitely seemed less socially aware than a master manipulator should be. I agree the roommate probably thinks she's a weird robot. I have to wonder why the fiance agreed the letter writer would be the best person to comfort the roommate.

Has anyone seen Dear Prudie today? Her response to the first letter had me shocked. She starts by saying that she would never tell a parent to ignore a gut feeling, but then... she basically tells the mom to ignore her gut feeling. I don't know. The man's actions don't sound too creepy just from the description, but aren't parents always told to trust their instincts? Better safe than sorry, and all? Prudie just seemed so dismissive.

That is a fucking awful answer, especially coming a day after the NYT ran a huge expose about decades of sexual abuse at the Horace Mann school in NYC, abuse that continued because of a culture that erred way too far on the side of "oh, it's probably fine."

he singles out my older daughter and doesn’t bring presents for my younger one.

That could absolutely be grooming behavior. Let's put it this way: there's a guy on my street who likes to give popsicles to the neighborhood kids. Probably harmless? Yup. Will I ever leave my daughter alone with him for a minute? Hell no.

I wonder why she hasn't ever brought this up to her parents who actually see the person interact with her daughter.

I got so irrationally angry at the grandparents in today's Dear Prudence (pg. 3: In-Laws and Grandparenting). It wasn't even really the most egregious subject (hello first letter writer's husband!), but something about the conservative/liberal conflict with overstepping relatives really struck a chord. That letter writer is so much nicer than me.

Today's Dear Prudie chat has a letter from siblings (one adopted, one biological) who are getting married. This screams so obviously fake to me, but none of the commenters seem to be pointing this out. Obviously fake, right?

Jamie wrote:I got so irrationally angry at the grandparents in today's Dear Prudence (pg. 3: In-Laws and Grandparenting). It wasn't even really the most egregious subject (hello first letter writer's husband!), but something about the conservative/liberal conflict with overstepping relatives really struck a chord. That letter writer is so much nicer than me.

Oh, man, if someone used my child's picture to promote [controversial political topic I oppose], I think I might actually make a donation in their name to [controversial political topic they oppose]. And I realize that would not help, but that definitely tapped into some irrational anger depths.

I feel the same way, Binky. The commenters point out that the parents could go after the organization itself and demand payment for use of the picture and for it to be removed from all materials. I would take glee in costing [political organization whose views I oppose] money.

I think entitlement questions are my favorite kinds of advice column letters. OMG how selfish of you to want to go on vacation with just yourselves!

Heh. That reminds me of when my husband and I went on an adults-only trip to the Dominican Republic with some friends, leaving our two daughters (who were 10 and 8 at the time) with Grandma. When one of our friends heard about this, she gasped and said "You're going on vacation without your KIDS? How COULD you? I could never do that!" She then turned to our other friend and said "Don't you agree?" The other friend said calmly "Are you kidding? If we could afford it, (Husband) and I would leave our kids behind in a heartbeat."

punkysdilemma wrote:I think entitlement questions are my favorite kinds of advice column letters. OMG how selfish of you to want to go on vacation with just yourselves!

Not just a vacation, but a delayed honeymoon! What, you don't want to take your nephew and a random friend on your honeymoon? SELFISH.

Second letter:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: my ancient 45-year-old neighbour is getting it on with another neighbor's son and I MUST STOP IT even though he's totally over the age of consent.

You can practically hear the pearl-clutching from here.

Heh. From the beginning of that letter, I thought she was going to say the boy was like 15 or something. HE'S A GROWN-ASS MAN. And their block parties are about to get 1000% awkwarder.

24 years old! I just...seriously?!

The tapping on the window cracked me up. I have a feeling the letter was written by the cougar in question.

I know! I was expecting her to say "and she's MARRIED, the hussy" or "he's only 15". But no.

I can't decide if my favorite part is "she's 45 if she's a day" or "they had no reason to be naked". Pretty sure they had a very good reason, Toots.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: all three of my husbands are or were total losers, but now that the first two are re-married, they're hot and desirable again. Why does this keep happening to poor me?

The part that made me angriest was when she referred to her third and current husband as a "slob". Poor guy!