Advice Columns

Dear Cary,

My husband cares more about his friend's bird than he does about me, so I'm living in a tent in my own backyard while my husband and his friend sleep in my house in comfort.

That poor, poor LW. She deserves so much better. Joe and his menagerie that he can't afford must go. And the fact that they've guilted her into thinking that she's the bad guy here, when she's sleeping in a tent in her own backyard, is unconscionable. She deserves so much better from her husband and her friend.

Yeesh, the poor woman! I have allergies to pet dander too, but nowhere near as bad as she does.

I've found that people who aren't allergic to anything really don't "get" those of us who are. We've probably all heard of the nasty friend or relative who assumed that someone was exaggerating their shellfish allergy, secretly sneaked shrimp into their dinner, and then gaped in horror as the person was whisked away in an ambulance.

These Captain Awkward letters made me so ANGRY. Especially the second one. The LW's boyfriend's friend sexually assaulted her, and her boyfriend was just like, "Whatever, it wasn't that bad and he's really fun to hang out with. Let it go." CA has a satisfyingly enraged response.

Wow and ugh, in that order. I think I need a shower after reading those letters.

This reminds me of why I stopped being friends with my co-worker Weasley (remember him?). I used to have a pair of black dress pants with faint grey pinstripes. One time, when we were going for coffee, he said "Walk ahead of me for a sec." I did so, thinking that I had something wrong like a drooping hem. He sighed in satisfaction and said "Yep, those pants really cling nicely to the curves of your ass."

Um, WHAT?

VodouDoll wrote:These Captain Awkward letters made me so ANGRY. Especially the second one. The LW's boyfriend's friend sexually assaulted her, and her boyfriend was just like, "Whatever, it wasn't that bad and he's really fun to hang out with. Let it go." CA has a satisfyingly enraged response.

Wow, those were something else. And yet, I have absolutely no problem imagining those scenarios going down. Some of the letters that roll through advice columns just baffle me and I can't picture anyone really acting that way, but sadly, these letters are not that way to me. The response to them was excellent and just what the LWs needed to hear. It can be hard to pick your head up and realize that something is really wrong when everyone around you is brushing it off and making you feel crazy.

I'd forgotten about Weasley. I will now begin the process of forgetting about him again.

Shalamar wrote:Wow and ugh, in that order. I think I need a shower after reading those letters.

This reminds me of why I stopped being friends with my co-worker Weasley (remember him?). I used to have a pair of black dress pants with faint grey pinstripes. One time, when we were going for coffee, he said "Walk ahead of me for a sec." I did so, thinking that I had something wrong like a drooping hem. He sighed in satisfaction and said "Yep, those pants really cling nicely to the curves of your ass."

Um, WHAT?

I just got back from an hour and a half training session about how that is not ok.

Right?!? It's amazing how many people don't know that there are ways to compliment a co-worker's appearance without making it sound like they're picturing him/her naked.

Oh wow. Creep #1 showed up in the comments to complain about how meeeeeeean the LW is for writing a letter to Captain Awkward saying he's creepy. And he blames it on the alcohol. And he says it's totally out of line to call his creeping part of rape culture because he's not a rapist and the women he creeps on should know that.

NO WAY. Has to be a troll. Please let it be a troll.

I think a troll would be a lot more inflammatory that he's being. Or it's an unusually subtle/subdued troll.

I want to slap the writer of the first letter.

So your boyfriend used to be heavy. So the hell what? He didn't recover from cancer; no need to act like it was a tragedy he overcame. Going silent and then mumbling "I'm so sorry" was NOT the correct response. Idiot.

And really, nothing makes my slapping hand itch more than people who defend their rudeness or cruelty with "I said what I felt!"

I'm so sorry? What a ridiculous reaction. How about just an observation -- "You've changed so much since high school!" That could open up a conversation that would encourage further intimacy--learning more about your partner and how/why he changed his ways.

I'm so sorry. Jesus.

That letter actually mirrors something that my husband and I experienced. My husband is a big man. He's always been big, and I like him like that (he's cuddly). I once saw a picture of him from high school and I gaped in shock - he was a scrawny beanpole that looked like a stiff wind would blow him away. (No offense intended to any of our slender Snarkers - this wasn't healthy skinny, though. He honestly looked ill.) I said "Good Lord!", he looked unhappy and started to say "I know -" - whereupon I cut him off and said "You look SO much better now! Please don't ever get that skinny again!" He grinned and said "Don't worry."

Also...60 pounds overweight? In a dude even? That...is not that much. Settle down, Beavis.

She should see MY high school yearbook picture from Grade 8. I had a Harpo Marx perm. If ever anything deserved an "I'm so sorry", it was that!

Instant Monkeys wrote:Also...60 pounds overweight? In a dude even? That...is not that much. Settle down, Beavis.

Right, and she was all "He was like two different people!" Yes, himself and a six-year-old. Excuse me while I die of shock.

What adult doesn't look "like another person" in photos from junior high? It's been long enough that styles would've changed (and if anyone embraces stupid trends that will be embarrassing in retrospect, it's adolescents), and not only is everyone still growing, roughly 99% of everyone hits the really awkward part of puberty during those years.

How shallow do you have to be to care that much that your boyfriend was fat not only long before he met you, but when he was still a kid?

And it wasn't even just the weight, she was judging him for his haircut and his clothes in the picture as well. I'm thankful most people aren't shallow enough to care what their partner looked like in junior high, because I looked like a female version of McLovin.

Hee. I forgot to mention another yearbook hair disaster of mine - my Farrah phase. This was in 1977 when I was 13 and Charlie's Angels was dominating the airwaves. It was a magical time, but not for my hair. I used a curling iron on my bangs every morning so that I got these two sausage-like curls in the front, which I would then try to fluff into something approximating Farrah's glorious mane. It ... didn't work. I still had sausage-hair my yearbook photo.

I would actually be kind of disturbed if I was dating someone and they looked awesome in all their old yearbook photos. Talk about a clear signal saying "I'm dating a vampire."

But you'll probably get a really nice car.

I had a perm in tenth grade. Lord have mercy on us all.

I had braces for all of middle school and freshman year of high school. My freshman year picture (when I was growing out my bangs) was so bad even my mother didn't order pictures.